Microsoft And Stupid Names (MSASsiNine?)

Wed 17 October 2007

Filed under Politics

Tags Lamer Moments

Microsoft is rife with people who pick terrible names. Let's look at some hits:

Note: There are lots of articles like this, but my is mine and it's special, damnit.

  • Power Shell

    (or as I call it: the straw that broke the camel's back). Now everyone knows that this is going to be abbreviated 'psh', and the english speaking world is going to change that from a proper name or acronym to a word. How does pish(1/2 way down) grab you? I already call it 'pish', and people know what I am referring to. And they snicker. `(the best "use-it-in-a-sentence" you will ever see)`_

  • PPTP

    This has it's own explanation. Microsoft has a special fixation with 14-y/o-boy humor, in names.

  • L2TP

    Wow. It's like Layer-Two Toilet Paper? Seriously, in this infectious modern-day chat suffused era complete with IM and Texting, this looks like "Like 2 Toilet Paper?". Some sort of fetish reference. Someone, please tell me a better definition of this.

  • Exchange

    This requires a more morose, or perhaps, sardonic approach. Starting with Exchange 5.5 anyone who used, converted to and especially did disaster recovery for, could only end up thinking of sExchange. That operation is heard to be expensive and painful. All the hallmarks of an Exchange install.

  • Great Plains

    This is really not MS's fault - but the attraction began with the name. Great PAINS is the expression I can imagine. I don't know what happened when it was named, but clearly it was bad. Anyone who is not a bean counter must see this. The UI looks a direct port from a mainframe app. The data design uses SQL as a bolt-on afterthought. SQL has it's own issues, and MSSQL is no different. After all the trouble of an RDBMS, you get none of the power. The entire system of Great Plains is poorly adapted to SQL. It pulls entire data sets from the DB into local memory (via ODBC no less), then processes w/ the client. This guarantees single-threaded, single processor usage. It sucks for network traffic, and you get a 80x25-style screen to boot. Some are larger, but by larger I mean fixed-size-and-less-flexible-than-ever. Microsoft is fixing it. However, every channel partner out there seems to have Dynamics apps. (Dynamics is the magical language of Great Plains Processing.) Unless you kill Dynamics, you can't resurrect performance.

  • SQL Server

    Can you find a less-distinguished name? There are no less than 20 commercial SQL Servers. But only one has the ridiculous temerity to be called "SQL SERVER". That's the name. Then you tie in 300,000,000 system-admin-type bozos, and they all call is "SQL". That's smarts. Add this to the idiots who claim their apps "run on sql". Which reminds me of the famous SQL on RAILS. They lack ny ability to distinguish between RDBMSs/SQL Variants. This is like talking to kool-aid veined Macistas who believe Apple invented the Desktop, Graphics, Safari, Multiple Desktops, the Mouse, etc, etc, etc.

  • Back Office

    First off, this name left most people somewhat confused. Combined with Microsoft Office's (esp. Outlook's) penchant for remote no-user-interaction-required exploits, those in the know began calling it: Microsoft Back-Orifice, and Microsoft Orifice. BackOrifice was eventually adopted as a product name for a toolkit from the Cult of the Dead Cow a.k.a. CDC.

  • Windows XP, Office XP

    XP-erience the horror. Imagine speaking to a thousand clueless lusers who can't tell the difference between one "XP" versioned product and another? Office XP? Windows XP?

    • "I bought XP"
    • "I loaded XP"
    • "Oh, I am running XP".
    • "Oh, that ships with XP".
    • "Right, we need Windows 2000 with XP"

    Good Plan guys.

  • Windows ME

    Everything about this product was awful. The name, the software, the ideas, the lame ass problems. It was a terrible thing. The only saving grace was the utter failure of it all. It was so bad it seemed that a small percentage of people actually ran it. However, the "Me" implication said volumes about people who purchased it. It was like a sideways slam on those dumb enough to buy. So, score points for the sarcastic humor of that.

  • Dot-Net

    If only this mess of a name communicated something. Points for this tho:

    • Filled with Ambiguity, yet not easily turned to an insult or Sexual Reference

    • Staggeringly better name than Mono (or did I mean mono - the disease spread by intimate contact?)

      (The subtle message of the illness is *the tarring stain that makes the Mono Project seem ill-advised.)*

  • MS S FU

    Oh, sorry, its MS SFU, but, still. I have actually seen this abbreviated: MSFU. Microsoft Says... F U. Services For Unix. It's just a bad policy here. Who names this? Who thinks it's funny? No one who has to deal with two distinct parts of MS: The Software side and the Sales/Marketing side. One w/o the other would actually be better.

  • MOM

    WTF? This is a search engine NIGHTMARE for the end users. Like LIVE services. Live is a much better name than 'mom'. It's so bad, it's not even funny. Why? Why? Even MotherF****r would be more distinguished.

  • SMS

    I am running out of steam to bitch. Look at the Wikipedia disambiguation page for this. It's comic. It just means that more and more you cannot find anything related to SMS on the web. It's actually like the clause in the EULAs that forbids posting any benchmarks or comparative studies of various Microsoft software. Only, this is clever.


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